For most of my life music has provided a respite from the rest of the world. I have vivid memories of going up to my room (after being scolded or not getting what I wanted) and playing weeping songs on the recorder while staring out the window. And I remember doing it because I wanted my parents to know I was sad. It has always been one of my main lines of communication and one of my main forms of release. It makes me feel deeply: bringing to the surface an immense amount of joy and sadness. I met my partner through music. I have a music degree. And yet, it is now noticeably absent from my life.
Once I received my degree it was no longer what I escaped to but rather what I needed to escape from. The visceral reaction it once provoked was now clouded by my intellect, by anxiety and fear. In my mind, my worth was now measured by my ability as a musician. It has been a tremendous struggle to get past this. But I think I finally have - thanks to yoga (duh, I guess). And fairly recently. Like yesterday.
I suppose the catalyst was when my partner sold his bass. He was making an extremely healthy decision for himself. An extremely yogic decision for himself. Letting go. He had grown apart from it and was completely accepting of that fact. But it stirred up a lot of emotions for me. And by that I mean I kind of lost it. He told me and I immediately started to cry. I felt like I was at a crossroads - that I needed to let myself sing again or let that part of me go and stop letting it torture me.
So I chose to stop letting it torture me, but not my letting it go. I called on yoga. I dug a little deeper and tried to figure out why my relationship with music had grown so sour. And that was when I realized just how much I tied it to my worth. That if I didn't sing beautifully I wasn't good enough. That if I didn't pursue a career in music I wasn't good enough. That if I could no longer play the Bach Inventions I wasn't good enough. That if people knew I hadn't written any music in over a year I wasn't good enough. I was totally ignoring one of my favorite lessons from yoga. I am enough.
That phrase has gotten me through a lot. When I feel ugly. I am enough. When I compare myself to others. I am enough. When I feel completely inadequate in every way. I am enough.
I am enough.