So far I haven't done much of anything. After my last day at my now former job, I flew straight to New Jersey for a wedding. The day I gave my notice I totally freaked out and reached out to a million yoga studios about teaching, but now that I'm officially done and back in Portland I'm feeling pretty level-headed. I could feel it the moment I entered my apartment building after arriving home to Portland. Not all the anxiety of how I'll make money, or the feeling that I made the wrong decision, but, finally, I felt a moment of freedom. All of the fears and doubts I had leading up to my final day are certainly still there somewhere, but the luxurious feeling of having time has finally bubbled to the top.
And because of that I really haven't done much of anything. I've baked and cleaned and cuddled with my dog. I've gone to some holiday parties and taught some really great yoga classes. I've wandered around and have tons of energy to run and do yoga and make more thoughtful grocery store decisions. (Usually I go to the store hungry and buy weird, but delicious things, that I don't need!) I've sat around and done nothing without that feeling in the back of my mind that I should be doing something. Let me say that again. I've sat around and done nothing without the feeling in the back of my mind that I should be doing something. That's huge! Seriously. It's been great and very much needed. After the holidays I'm sure I'll be nagging myself about writing more blog posts, and teaching more yoga classes, and taking more yoga classes, and getting into a better Ayurvedic routine, and planning Ayurvedic workshops, and how I should probably train for a half marathon, or a sprint duathlon, or any number of the crazy things. But for now, I will do nothing.
And that is really what having time is all about. When we fill up the time we have with a bunch of stuff we have to do, we don't really end up having that much time anymore, ya know? But filling that time by doing nothing? Well, that's the good stuff. I keep catching myself having these moments where I linger in silence for a little bit longer than normal, these moments where I am actually being in and enjoying the present. I feel my sanity coming back. I think I feel the tension in my jaw going away. I took a painstakingly long time decorating gingerbread men yesterday and enjoyed every damn moment of it.
Everyday activities are becoming meditative and lovely. I'm moving slowly and mindfully and loving it because I have nowhere to be. And having nowhere to be feels awesome.
So far I haven't done much of anything, and that, my friends, is EVERYTHING.