Fall always feels like the new year to me, full of crazy ideas of change and resolutions and wanting to get out more or work out more or learn more or whatever. It's like the sun gives me this incredible ability to just be chill & accepting and then Fall hits and I feel like all the decisions of I've made up to this point are wrong. I suddenly want to be better and not in a healthy striving towards personal growth way, but in a terrible nothing I've done is good enough type way. My moments of existential crisis increase (and they are already pretty common), I start to hate my wardrobe & revert back to being a 13 year old girl, I start applying for new jobs and always feel like I should be starting something new or different or better.
I wonder if it is instilled in me because Fall is always the time of going back to school, where my adolescent self was convinced I had something to prove going back in for the new year. I had to prove that I was cool or smart or "good at stuff" because however I was being was clearly not ok. It was always a time of hope that I would be better and also disappointment that it was yet again the same ole shit. And even as I've grown older, somehow, Fall still brings back those feelings.
It's funny, though, because I did not have a rough adolescence or high school experience by any means. Sure, eighth grade was a little rough, but generally high school was fine. I mean, I never want to go back, but it was fine. So, it was a feeling constructed entirely by myself. I was not bullied, I mostly didn't give a shit what other people thought (so punk rock, right?), and I had some kick-ass friends who are still some of my favorite people on the planet. So, why Fall, why? Why do you make me feel this way? Why have you always made me feel this way? This strange feeling of hope and disappointment.
And I totally think that the changing of the seasons affects us in big ways! I do. Transition sucks for all of us. It is a terrible limbo full of irritability and indecisiveness. Particularly the transition from endless days of the glorious ball of fire in the sky to the endless gray clouds and relentless rainfall. But the feelings I get feel a little excessive. A habit of my own making and not the natural feelings associated with transition.
And this year the Fall crazies (not to be confused with the Winter crazies) have made their way back. Even with the yoga and the mindfulness and the accomplishments of the year prior, I'm having feelings again. Fall feelings...
And, to be clear, despite what this post so far might suggest, I love Fall. I love gourds. I love Halloween. I love pies. I love baking. I love crunchy leaves and Fall smells and Thanksgiving and whiskey and cider. And I love the pumpkin patch. I go every year and look at these weird fields full of these big orange squash and I just lose it! I'm like a little baby deer running through the meadow for the first time while also being a contemplative lion looking over his vast kingdom. Every. Single. Time. I am amazed by the pumpkin patch. It is sacred ground.
It's a love/hate relationship really. Maybe that's why there is all the internal conflict. It's like an exaggerated version of life itself. Struggle and hope and excitement and pensiveness and lack of satisfaction and total contentment all weaving in and out more rapidly than normal leaving me completely stupefied.
And I can't quite decide if it's good or bad that this happens every year. If it's the nature of things or an unhealthy exaggeration of my own creating. If it's the sun that is the problem, blinding me, distracting me into a false sense of ease. If it is the Fall that is making me live my life better and never letting me sink too deep into false acceptance, but rather bringing to light my struggle and teaching me to slowly accept it. One crazy Fall at a time.